second guess

Right this very second my husband and I are sitting on the floor, hiding behind the foot of our bed from our sleeping daughter. It is an act of survival and it is ridiculous.

Rosalyn has had a tough time this past month. Whether or not your subscribe to the “Wonder Week” theory (I do), it’s impossible to deny that she has been going through some major changes. Growing up is hard. She has learned SO many new things and it has taken a toll on her (and my) sleep. We spent a lot of time in her first few months gently teaching her how to fall asleep on her own without any tears. It was a long process. It was a hard won victory. And it has all been thrown into the garbage. Damnit.

The last week has seen quite a few parent ninja moves. Like pinning her arm down with my face while rocking her so she doesn’t slap her pacifier out. Or positioning myself and my finally sleeping baby on a small blanket on my bed so that I can roll away from her and then slowly pull the blanket from my bed to her attached crib. Or managing to NOT throw myself from the window when she sleeps for just half an hour after it took an hour to actually get her to sleep.

I’m tired. So tired. But mainly just needing to know that I’m doing the right thing. Making the right decisions. Not according to Them, The Internet Parents. I’m sure some think I’m not doing enough for her. I know for a fact some think I’m coddling her. I honestly don’t give a damn about any of that. What I need is to know that I’m doing right by her. Do you have what you need from me, baby girl? Are the things I’m doing helping you? Is there something I can do to make things easier for you? Am I doing enough and you just need me to be patient?

I’m not very good at that, but I’ll try.

I’m right here waiting.

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