the hormonal in me recognizes the hormonal in you

I’m having a lot of body issues right now. Being pregnant feels very passive; it’s not something that I’m doing, it’s something that is happening to me. It’s mostly waiting and observing on my part now. And while I’m not exactly saying goodbye to a bikini modeling career, it’s still disconcerting to watch my body grow and push out. Hey there stretch marks, I hate your guts. It took a long time for me to accept and even appreciate the way my body looks. And now I have to go through that all over again?? Pardon me while I whine for a bit. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

There’s a lot of guilt that comes with being pregnant following a loss. You don’t want to take it for granted because you know first hand there are so many women who would do anything to be in your place. Not enjoying the changes and symptoms that are happening to you feels selfish and ungrateful. I’m stuck not wanting to discount either experience. I want to be honest though; pregnancy has not been easy on me so far.

I attempted to turn my attention away from what my body feels & looks like and instead focus on what my body is capable of. Yoga class is the perfect place! Namaste, y’all. Ok except no not at all. I can still do most basic poses without modification but my favorites are off-limits now. Backbends and twists and pushing that edge of what you thought was your limit. The fun stuff. I have been relegated to YET ANOTHER child’s pose (with wide knees of course to make room for my belly to rest). Or maybe a super exciting downward dog-to-table vinyasa? Screw it, now I’m just sitting and picking the dog hair off my yoga pants. These are the moments I wish I had that big round belly already so at least everyone would know what’s going on. Namaste indeed.

I don’t have any wise, self-aware growth to end this on. I’m just mad and need a sandwich. Boo hiss.

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